Nonviolent Communication: a Post-Pandy Refresher
The edges of our autonomy are where collective care begins.
TL;DR: scroll down to the black and white engraving of Morgaine le Fey to skip the narrative introduction and get straight to the NVC How-To.
Please take your time with this post. Set aside an hour where you can read at your computer undisturbed with a cup of tea or coffee. This is a long post, and the topic can be thorny; patience and presence will reward you triply if you slow down.
The ‘book review’ that garnered the most interest from my recent Spring Reading post was Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, an oldie and a goodie. Multiple readers wrote in that they’d loved reading it way back when. Following that interest, I offer an abbreviated1 guide to its principles and use. My selection of quotations is idiosyncratic, and reflects what intuitively seems to be most needful for application right now, in the wake of the pandemic and in light of so much ongoing violent communication, particular and universal.
2020 hit hard, with bruising still vivid in 2024, turning weird colors. Collective emergence from the pit of C*VID despair has been a hard comedown (comeup?), and the “reintegration” is ongoing. Watching my beloved ones and my self learn to renegotiate our relationship to relationship has been awkward, absurd, & inspiring, with occasional stabs of unexpected pain when communications fail—all the more painful since interactions seem charged, fewer now, precious in light of their recent absence.
Coincidentally, 2019 was also the onset of my Saturn Return, an infamously disruptive astrological event (trashcan-fire, in my case) that changes the course of a life (in my case, by inexorably wrecking my shit). This destructive phase lasted about three years; I can now say I survived it. Jenny Boychuk, you spoke truth: All you have to do [during a Saturn Return] is survive it.
Knowing myself to be ‘on a down, down train’, and determined to cope with that intensity, I read. I gorged/absorbed an inane number of books and texts on self-help, shadow work, integration, therapy (psychic & somatic), and the occult. In my blown-open state, I read widely, and with a particular eye for what would provide real relief.
With many of those ideas still present and useful, and piles of notes on them, I got the idea to offer a series of how-to guides on this platform with the aim of relieving some of the stress of our collective & personal re-entries into the interactive world. (Like poetry,) [P]ersonal therapeutic modalities work when they alchemize the abstract or ineffable into practical ‘felt-sense’2. A physical & spiritual relief flows (‘healing’ occurs) when we’re able to translate ephemeral or intangible things like emotions or thoughts into embodied (or spoken, or written) channels of expression.
In my personal experience of this practice for improving one-on-one communications, the pain is worth the gain. If you have been socially conditioned to diminish, neglect, or outright deny/dissociate from your own needs3, it can be extremely uncomfortable to access them, much less attempt to communicate them to another person—even, and especially, those closest to you.
Ironically, because conscious and transparent vulnerability is so uncommon, and seems so risky, fostering nonviolent communication can at first feel like you are throwing your relationship(s) out the window. Yet the moment you arrive at and share the full statement, as well as you can, everything changes. It is uncanny how immediately my terror and nausea are replaced with the calm, flooding presence of being heard, seen, loved. Nonviolent communication (prepare for cheese) is the key that opens the door to compassion. Which cheesiness matters, because:
The edges of our autonomy are where collective care begins.
Internal care systems for self and others are an absolute requirement for developing and maintaining healthy alternate worlds (AKA nourishing the undercommons4) as the pre-existing structures meet their deaths due to “functional karma”.5 Leftist and anarchist spaces need psychosocial and emotional help. NVC can be adapted to pair well with MAST (Mutual Aid Self/Social Therapy).
I also hear from more than a few folks who are tired of being both loud and repetitive in their communications with someone close to them, usually a partner or a parent, with very little effect. This works for that; and if you’re partnering with a cis-male, you might want to add Terrance Real to your arsenal.6
On to the practice.
What follows is an overview of / template for How To Do It interlaced with quotations from the original text on the topic (Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD, 2003), with some example situations. All italicized phrases and sentences are direct quotations from the book. I sometimes repeat or reiterate important ideas; they sound so simple you can often miss the profundity.
Achtung! NVC directly contradicts much of our homogenizing societal messaging about relationship dynamics and conflict management. It takes time and effort to rewire such basic patterns of communication and thereby ‘detoxify’ your relationships. It’s hard, and it takes practice. Reading alone is not going to get you results. Consider it an act of service for your loved ones, if that helps; or call it self-care.
So now that you’re stoked…
[He’s asking her, nonviolently {except for the sword}, to admit she got them lost in the woods with her ‘intuitive’ wayfinding]
Nonviolent Communication: A Post-Pandy Refresher
Components of Compassionate Communication, in order:
Observations (not evaluations)
Feelings
Needs (as they relate to feelings)
Requests (very specific!)
The essence of Nonviolent Communication lies in expressing yourself honestly, and receiving empathically, through these four components. The stated purpose of NVC is for interacting less harmfully with the people around you, but I have also found it very useful to run the template solo, in my journal and/or modded as a self-guided meditation, to improve my own understanding of my inner motivations (it is surprising how little we tend to know/accept about what truly drives our behaviors and thoughts). Examples of when to apply the template include either after a high-stakes interaction or in advance of one—it’s your call what qualifies as high-stakes. Start out with “easier” or lower-stakes interactions as you begin to implement.
It may help take the edge off to imagine you are learning an entirely new language. You could think of it as the language of vulnerability: after all, you are revealing your inner workings to yourself and then to others. The rewards include deeper connection to yourself and to others than you may have believed possible.
Taking “the NVC pill” involves learning to identify and share these four components in the following format:
When (1), I feel (2), because I am needing (3). Therefore, I now would like (4).
A bit more detail on these components:
Observations (non-judgmental, non-evaluative) relate the concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being;
Naming our feelings states how we feel in relation to what we observe;
We then need to locate the needs, values, desires, etc. that create(d) those feelings;
And finally, there are concrete actions that we request in order to enrich our lives.
Here is a (seemingly) simple example, stated in full, followed by more in-depth information and reflection on the four components.7
When [you schedule us to talk on the phone,
then cancel same-day (by text) with no explanation],
I feel [worried,
disappointed,
lonely,
and a little resentful],
because I need [to feel that my time is respected;
to be kept ‘in the loop’ and feel connected to you;
to feel valuable].
Therefore I am now asking [for you to commit to honoring our quality time,
and to commit to being both transparent and timely if you are unable to do so].
On Observation (and Judgment, its shadow)
— Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.8
The observation must be specific to time and context. It relates a neutral description of event or situation. Evaluation, a form of judgment, inevitably invites resistance from the listener: it sounds like criticism. Evaluation is how we are taught to use our minds from the beginning of our homogenization. My therapist spent the better part of three years prying this ‘evaluation addiction’ out from between me and my feelings: probably 85% of the work we did centered around tracking and disarming the insidious abuse of internalized evaluation that had spent decades metastasizing into gnarls of self-judgment, self-hate, and self-harm. You will never access your true feelings when your mind is judgment-dominant; you can’t work the NVC template without first learning to observe without evaluation. Practice makes better.
— Judgments (ex. “you always;” “you never”) are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. This is important! Your needs (which can seem obscure or hidden) can often be discovered by examining your judgments of others (or of yourself).
— Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies. AKA, “you manifested that.” To discern that a person is unsafe for you, i.e. giving you the creeps / needs to be avoided lest you risk physical harm, is not the same as judging someone’s internal character or ‘value’ based on your emotionally-interpolated interpretation of their actions. It’s a thin line. Try to keep the awareness within your body and avoid projecting it out into other people’s minds, where you have no true access (‘empath,’ hypervigilant, or otherwise!).
On Feelings
—What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
— Expressing our vulnerability can help solve conflicts.
Achtung! This is not to endorse martyrdom or self-sabotaging overcare9. Remember, you are only charged with identifying those feelings which were engendered by specific concrete actions which happened at a particular time and place (even if it’s a repeat offense and you’re trying to interrupt a habit or break a cycle). Learned helplessness is real, and it will come for your autonomy and do insane damage to your self-esteem, while also fomenting resentment on both sides of whatever relationships it’s corroding. Conditioned martyrdom gives way to despair and then often to violence, against yourself or the other, which harm seems sanctioned by the apparent meaninglessness or valuelessness of your presence/contribution (as you fear it). This is extremely important, because:
— We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
Blame is a desperate and dysfunctional strategy of a mind which knows it should be giving over resolution of the issue to the heart and spirit. It is a smoke screen. To address this unconscious irresponsibility directly,
— We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
The more resistance your mind has to the above statement, the more devotedly you’ll need to pull the rug out from your assumptions. Take something you don’t want to do: file your taxes; go through a deceased relative’s storage unit; practice nonviolent communication… ;) and attempt this reframe:
“I choose to [do the thing you’re resisting] because I want ______.”
It may not be sexy; you may be dismayed by the seeming obviousness or childishness or selfishness of your motives. If it helps, you can recognize that it is your ego supplying the resistance and immaturity, and not ‘your true self.’ If not, simply interrupting the reactive self-judgment by calling out the need behind your feelings: “I feel incompetent when I upload the wrong form”; “I’m scared I can’t cope with the sadness of sorting through Oma’s unfinished knitting projects;” etc. This will drain off egoic toxicity by replacing it with empathy for your self.
On that note,
— Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassion.
Those of you reared with subliminal (or explicit!) messaging in childhood or early adulthood (from a relative or professor or boss) such as “you should be grateful [for this food/paycheck/attention]” may secretly struggle to imagine that you deserve much of anything: compassion, or your needs met, or your feelings expressed; 50% of the domestic labor performed by a partner without your having to ask/manage/ask again/praise him; paid time off or dental coverage. Self-empathy through NVC asks you to put the brakes on self-devaluation that is likely decades in the making. It may also reveal conditioned undercurrents of racism, sexism, ableism, & ageism in you. Go slow.
The vocabulary for identifying feelings could fill a library of psychosomatic texts in and of itself, but here’s a one-sheet for getting started.
[how you feel when you successfully identify a feeling // how it feels to feel feelings]
On Needs
— If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
Sounds obvious. Do you do it? (Um, imagine that in a non-judgy tone. I don’t do it.)
— Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own needs.
An easy example of this, of course, is covetousness of a person’s external and public positive regard. Sometimes (not always) I get jealous, and a little sick to my stomach, when I see another person from my old MFA orbit announce on social media that their creative manuscript has won a prize, and/or is going to be published. It feels a bit like low-level electrocution. My desire to be recognized for my contribution to the poetry world (can you call it a need? I don’t really know where to draw this line) is a sore hunger. Winning an award is the most public and obvious way an introvert can harvest feelings of belonging and acceptance. I get upchuck-y just writing it. So, to repeat:
— Analyses of others are actually (tragic) expressions of our own needs and values.
Tragic, because hitherto unexpressed, therefore repressed, therefore in the shadow. But!:
— When we are connected to our need, we are in touch with our life energy.
‘Life energy’ is, among other things, erotic. A note on desire: for a lot of people, women and queer folks in particular, the agency inherent in desire lies almost fully in their shadow. Acknowledging and accepting that we desire at all, or desire certain things, can be very sketchy territory, since desires are often unconscious, deep, primal—maybe even amoral. But we want to ‘go there,’ in a post-pandy reintegrative update of NVC, because it’s clear that the roots of our desires are often intimately intertwined (if not identical) with our needs.
To troubleshoot: acknowledging that you had a seemingly outsized reaction based on an unfulfilled desire (that you hadn’t explicitly expressed) will likely bring up shame. Again, compassion is the cure. Running practice statements in your head or in your journal using recent scenarios is a good way to start facing the shame and embracing the desires—possibly discovering places of outdatedness in your programming, in which case, these can be recycled as you transform.
According to Rosenberg and his extensive experience facilitating Nonviolent Communication, there are seven basic human needs. (Obviously you are free to identify any others you want.)
BASIC HUMAN NEEDS
Autonomy
Celebration (i.e., to be celebrated)
Integrity
Interdependence
Play
Spiritual communion
Physical nurturance
— When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life-serving feelings.
Don’t just believe him on this, or me. Once you experience it, you will know it deeply. A lot of the time, effective communication (even just for/to yourself) is its own reward. Anger (due to unmet needs) is a caustic form of resistance that is always available to be purified by (and into) compassion. If you need help with this one, consider taking guidance from Thich Nhat Hanh.
[three basic human needs walk into a universe…]
On Requests
— Our objective when making requests is a relationship based on honesty and empathy.
— We are often not conscious of what we are requesting.
— Making requests in clear, positive, concrete-action language reveals what we really want.
— Vague language contributes to internal confusion.
— The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.
— To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back. (I personally haven’t found the guts to do this yet.)
I find the ‘request’ to be the hardest part of this process, probably because it involves the Other directly and therefore opens the possibility for feelings of rejection or abandonment, which cause me acute discomfort. Figuring out the specifics of what I actually want is difficult; stating it out loud is excruciating. I usually end up doing it in a weird voice, while making a weird face. (The self-sabotage is rampant. Indeed, it stretches as deep as the self [the ego, rather].)
[Regrettably, requests made while the other person is unconscious don’t count.]
Speaking of ego, since we are all vulnerable to misuse of our power, even if it’s unconsciously done:
— Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying yes.
— Empathizing with someone’s “No” [if they reject our request, for example] prevents us from taking it personally.
— We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
As you now know, nonviolent communication is a practice of compassion. The ego dies in the face of compassionate witnessing, which obliterates the illusion of separateness between self and other on which the ego depends for survival. Ego death is painful (cf. Saturn Return). The self and connection on the other side are worth it.
If you’ve made it this far: impressive! Here are two bonus sections on listening and self-empathy.
When someone is communicating to you (especially if they are ‘activated’/ ‘dysregulated’/one or both of you is/are ‘freaking out’), see if you can call up any of this:
— Our objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy.
— Listen for what people are needing rather than what they are thinking.
— We “say a lot” by listening for other people’s feelings and needs.
Focus on their need, no matter what is being said (or how). This focusing challenge is twofold: not to take any of it personally; and not to intellectualize it. Put your attention onto what might be going on within the other person. (Again, this sounds so obvious; just try it with your partner tonight…)
— Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.
Empathy requires full presence, which is impossible when you are up in your head tabulating right and wrong or flicking through a Rolodex of potential fixes to a perceived problem. Empty the mind and listen.
— Ask before offering advice or reassurance. (This, to me, is an advanced move.)
— Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged using the NVC four-part template. (This, to me, is also an advanced move.)
A few last lines on self-forgiveness:
— Comparison is a form of judgment.
— The most violent self-evaluation is the word “should.”
Refer back to the “I choose to [___] because I want [___]” exercise any time you catch your mind should-ing itself.
— We are compassionate with ourselves when we are able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize the needs and values expressed by each part.
— When we listen empathically to ourselves, we will be able to hear the underlying need.
— Self-forgiveness occurs the moment this empathic connection is made.
[“A Mighty Wind,” 2003]
If you take a (nonviolent) stab at this, I’d love to know how it goes. Comments are open below for paid subscribers, and my inbox is open to nonpaying subscribers who want to share questions, concerns, progress, and successes with NVC.10
Good luck!
lol. This is a long post. I am comparing to the 264-page foundational text.
For a great description of what is meant by “felt sense”, I recommend Somatic Experiencing founding therapist Peter Levine’s classic Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma (North Atlantic Books, 1997). Dr. Levine provides a short answer in this video too.
(as women and people of color categorically are)
Thank you WW for this phrase, and for helping keep me honest. Hug you soon.
In particular, see How Can I Get Through To You? and I Don’t Want to Talk About It. He is one of bell hooks’ favorites: say no more.
You may not want to say it so formulaically, but it is going to feel very awkward at first no matter how you say it; the structure is a helpful guide. The important thing is not to get it perfect, but to include all four parts.
This was, for me, probably the most “a-ha!” sentence in the whole book. I felt like it was written to trap/trick me into becoming a compassionate person by hooking my competitive, erotic motivation to attain (and to be noticed attaining) some shit like “the highest form of human intelligence.” I hope it works…
A review of the idea of “overcare” and its immediate and long-term health dangers can be found here, on the HeartMath website. I recommend the core HeartMath exercises as complementary to a practice of NVC, not least because you may get ‘triggered’/‘activated’ by the stress of trying NVC for the first while, and HeartMath’s exercises are straightforward and (in my experience) effective (I am referring to ‘Freeze Frame’ and ‘Cut-Thru’, from the book The Heartmath Solution [Beech & Childre, 1999]).